Clarity in San Francisco.

A photo of the cap from my drink I had the day after I wrote my journal entry.

I have so much to say & share about my current traveling. Today marks week 3 since I left Guadalajara. I wanted to share something that I wrote in my journal in the middle of my solo San Francisco day adventure last week. My post is about Experiencing Clarity.

About the time I turned 13 years old, I started to feel like I needed to write every thought I was thinking down on a piece of paper. I was either always writing in the middle of classes and before I went to sleep, or I was doodling. Most of my recorded words would be passing thoughts I had through-out the day… “So-and-so said/did this” or “I’m feeling yada-yada-blah”. I turned into a pretty angsty kid with a way big imagination and a lot of emotions that were extremely confusing to me, but writing was there to help me get through my days. By high school, I had multiple journals along with loose pieces of paper stuffed into 8×14 mailer envelopes so my papers would stay in one place. I realize now that the artist in me has always been the strongest and boldest part of me, the part of me that always wanted/needed to express myself – to feel that I’m releasing my thoughts, or something. When it comes to sewing, I’m releasing ideas. Release, release, release, feel good. I see writing as a way of meditation, a way to find clarity.

photo of mine taken in Oakland


photo of mine taken in Oakland


photo by Hedda Selder.

photo by Jaz of This Side of the Moon


photo by Jaz of This Side of the Moon


photo of my finished journal page & my view

I’ve spent a lot of energy building up and adding to a battle that has been going on in my mind for over a decade. I don’t feel that I need to expose my battle on my blog for the whole internet world, nor do I feel that I need to explain what has been stirring up in there since every human goes through their Decade Long Battle, their own stir up. I feel like a new person today, but it’s not a new feeling and it didn’t just happen today. I’ve been a new person a million times but I’m acknowledging how many of those times I’ve changed this brain of mine turn into belonging to someone who feels more complete – into someone that I love being.

We can control the feelings we have toward these fast moments in this time called Life, into something that makes us feel what we really want to feel – To Feel Alive. I’m proving to myself that this is my incredible life and it is me sitting on this wooden bench that sits at the top of a hill in Bernal Heights, all by myself. I’m sweating through my Levi and breathing heavily from walking up that damn hill and I can feel my lungs literally opening, closing, opening, and closing as they slow to a steady pace. I have the most magnificent view over-looking San Francisco. The city seems to end at the start of the fog and I think of the snow globes that have mini Chicago’s in them, the kinds you can buy at Michigan Avenue tourist shops, and I imagine a globe with a tiny San Francisco in it filled with fog that never clears. I am alone but I don’t feel lonely. I feel incredibly at peace on top of this hill as I start to get into my own head to clear it out onto this piece of paper. My time of meditation.

There are places on this planet and moments that will make you feel at home, apart of something, somewhere you belong amongst passing friends, passing time, passing places, the lovers you wish you wouldn’t love so much, the small paycheck jobs you’ve done along the way, the drinks and the nights you don’t remember. Far from the wishes, the could haves, the should dos, the stress level that you’ve been trying to lower, the people who say that “You can’t do that” or “You can’t be that.” Institutions can’t touch you here. Illnesses can’t either. The money you’re worrying about doesn’t matter here. They are the special places that collide with the beautiful moments that make you feel happy and face to face with clarity.

I’ve always told myself to have no regrets – that I’m alive and I’m spending this time alive to the fullest. I’ve done some things and been some places that have made me who I am today, that other people don’t agree with, but why should I regret anything? Why should I worry about anything else other than being happy? I know that I only have this mind and this body temporarily. I want to make the most of it. As I walk down Eugenie, down to the Mission, and up the Muni bus steps that will take me to another exciting direction – I’ll keep this moment with me. As I head back into my perception of the world around me and back into my mind, I’ll know that I left the part of me that I’ve been bruising at the top of that hill over-looking the foggy globe that I love. I’ll know that it’s done because I kicked all of that dead weight right off the fucking cliff. It’s done.

——————— ——————— ———————

No matter who you are – we’re all searching for the same thing. What helps you find clarity? Where have you gone to find it? Do you search for it or does it come naturally? If you have a story about finding clarity that you’d like to share with the BT readers, please email me your idea to alexz@birdtrouble.com

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